Meow meow meow~

One of these days I'll be pulled under by the tide of my emotions, and it will destroy me...

Today was a good day... it's so strange that it can end with me crying all night, unable to sleep.

Today started with me going to work. I missed a call from my brother and returned it and it turns out my brothers have finally agreed to let me inherit the car my father left behind (and bought for me originally, but that doesn't count apparently). So.. Car. That's one good thing.
Later on at work, I was pulled aside by the owner of the restaurant I work at... I was sort of worried, but it turns out I was being given a $.25 raise. Yay. Now I make 7.50hr, instead of 7.25hr. So that's good... I was happy all day throughout work.. even though i was tired and running on only about three or four hours of sleep... I made $40 in tips on to-go orders which is phenomenal compared to other days... I got off work early and went to eat mexican food with a former co-worker/friend who was in town...

But now. I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking. My mind just won't stop.
I miss my dad, and I can't help dwelling on how wrong his death was.. and how wrong everything else is...
I'm still stuck here, not knowing what to do. I feel like I should just go die somewhere. But I guess we can do that anytime... Part of me feels like if I DON'T die/kill myself/whatever, I may as well just live life like there's no tomorrow... I don't know. I have such mixed feelings. Part of me just.. really.. really wants to be gone. But I don't want to die without a will. And I don't really feel like writing a will either. I also don't really want to live. Life sucks. This is fucking difficult. I don't know what to do.
And you know what? It was a lot easier to type my thoughts down in VOX, not in this peice of crap excuse for a journal or whatever. 'TypePad'. Bullshit.

Whatever happens, happens. That's the way it always has been and always will be. So be it.

>;

You know... there's a reason why one of my father's dying wishes was 'Don't let Pamela fuck with Nicole'.
It seems things are going even worse than expected...

I haven't updated here at all since my father passed away. I guess I should do it now.

Since my father died, I have been basically forced out of my home by my aunt, her insanity, and her unreasonable demands.
...That place meant a lot to me. I collaberated with my dad on the design of the house when we built it. We were the first to actually occupy the house when it was finished. I have lived there for 9 years. I have many memories there.
And now.. I just dream about it all the time. /;
Too bad I just can't stand being there without my father + in such a depressing, unhealthy environment where people are trying to take advantage of me.
So.
Miguel and I left and got a place of our own. Wee~



And fff. I don't feel like writing anymore.
Maybe I should go back to sleep and stop rambling here.

Meowmeowmeow~

 

 

 

Vote for me~

Anyone who sees this should immediately go to www.venterracares.com , scroll down, find me; "Nicole N @ Huntcliff" and vote for me.

This is a tshirt design contest meant to promote the fight against cancer.
If I win, I get $500 off my apartment rent.
I'd deeply appreciate anyone who votes for me~

Nonny.

I miss you.

You passed away a little over two months ago, but in a way... it feels like a combination of being a long time ago, or just yesterday.
I can't believe you've passed from this world without me. I know it's not your fault. I know that if there was any way, you would have stayed here with me - despite your condition, or the possibility of being completely paralyzed for the rest of your life. If you lived like that, I would have taken care of you... I would have done my best to keep you comfortable and content. It would be the least I could do, since you took care of me for so long. You did everything for me. You were everything to me. I was very dependant on you. You were the only thing that kept me from killing myself all those times. You said I couldn't leave you behind, or else you'd kill yourself too... And I didn't want to leave you behind. I wanted to be with you forever, because that's just what felt right. We were like extensions of eachother; two halves of the same entity.
Moving out of the house had never occured to me, because I wanted to stay with you. If I ever did move, I planned on taking you with me.
And here I am now, typing this with tears streaming down my face... Crying hurts so much, and my body aches. But in a way, at least I know that what I feel is real. Despite how much I try to repress everything, and either intentionally or unintentionally try to keep all of this out of my mind. I still remember all of the feelings from back then. Many memories. Everything you've taught me. And all the stories you've told me. There's a relief in knowing that I was so close to you, and knew you so well. We could tell eachother anything... And I really... really wish I could actually talk to you again. I feel like I need your advice now more than ever... especially with all the stuff that's currently going on.
Things are getting better, though. They have to. Because there's no way I can live like this for much longer.
You're gone. And I'd like to believe that you're still.. here, in your own way. I can't see you, but... maybe you're just there somewhere, looking over me, guiding me. I know that if you could see some of the stuff that's been happening, you'd be outraged at people for doing the things they're doing. But I guess it's to be expected. People suck.
Maybe you'd be proud in a way. I'm still here. And I'm trying to make this work. This may be the hardest time of my life.. All of what's been happening over the last three monthes has been completely new to me. I never would have thought this would happen. Especially... not so soon. Everything still feels so unreal, it's unfathomable. I wonder when I'll be able to wrap my mind around this fully.
I guess... it's just. Change. One of the harshest, most unexpected forms of change. But it sure is effective.

 

... Hrm.. My mind went blank, and this is a surprisingly short entry. But it's probably better that way for now. I can always add more later.

Mantra

"I and everyone I know will be pleasantly surprised by how well I come out of this."

This feeling.

It's like...
Being in the middle of the sea.
Alone, and adrift.
The water is rough, the tides are moving quickly,
The waves grow taller and taller.
It feels like all you can do is tread water.
Until one of the waves finally crash into you...
with enough force that it pulls you under.
And you're caught there, rolling about in the current.
There's nothing more you can really do.
Fighting against it is futile.
All you can do is hold your breath,
topple around,
go with the flow,
and know that you'll eventually surface again.
And that long awaited breath of fresh air
will be unlike any you have breathed before.

The storm will end...
The waves will calm eventually,
but they will never cease.
But that's just the way of the sea.

Haunted

by POE

"Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always

I'll always love you
I'll always need you
I'll always want you

And I will always miss you

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
(By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

Ba da pa pa..."

Pffft.

Aunt Pamela: Blahblahblahblahstuffstuffblahblahblah and that's just how life is.

Me: Well... I hate life. /;

Aunt Pamela: Oh, no you don't.

Me: Oh. Yes I do. I seriously hate life. ;/

Aunt Pamela: But life is a blessing and blahblahblahblahblahblahblah...

Me: {{ignore. ignore. ignore.}}

Arrangements

My dad's funeral will be around 2:30-3pm on Wednesday, June 2nd.

Wee~