Meow meow meow~

...

Well. My father just passed away...
I can't even begin to comprehend what's happening right now.
This is like a terrible nightmare...
But I have a feeling I'm not going to wake up from this one.

This is bad.

...Yeah...
It sure is.

Follow My Ruin

Royksopp - Follow My Ruin

Down below a faded glow
Vibrant key without a tone
Realise in here it's cold
I can only let it snow

Words were said so long ago
Left a mark, an open sore
You go fast, I'm burnin' slow
Hate to say, I knew you'd go

So much going on
And I wish to hold on
So much going on
And I cannot let go

Past the trees that hide our love
Hurry now its time to go
Make this moment matter more
Show me like you did before

Revolting in a broken home
Holding on to what we own
Worlds collide and cause a storm
Still I wish I could hold on

Words were said so long ago
Face defeat and take the blow
So naive now I know more
Won't forget the things before

So much going on
And I wish to hold on
So much going on
And I cannot let go
.....cannot let go.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEoCCNrLMfo&playnext_from=TL&videos=PmivVs4bGDE

Life Support

...Yeah. My dad got moved to life support yesterday, Sunday, because his lungs are full of fluid and failing...
They think it got worse when they put a tube down his throat and he gagged on it and aspirated on his own vomit. /;
Then there's... all the other problems.

One of his doctors is so damn negative. She's saying there's no point in keeping him around on life support for more than five days, and she wants to unplug him and pull out all the tubes and everything on thursday. And I say. No. ;/ That's bullshit. Nonny needs at LEAST a week to get a chance to pull out of this. Because, it IS possible, damnit. He doesn't want to die. He even told me that... I know that he would want a chance.

 

But wow.

Things are pretty screwed up right now...

I'm still hoping this is a blessing in disguise of some sort, and that things arn't as horrifically crappy as they appear to be.

Pneumonia,
infection,
bad lungs,
bad kidneys,
cirrohsis of the liver,
low blood pressure,
low oxygen level,

even his blood sugar is low. /;

Wow. That's a lot of shit.

And it all needs to get. better.
damnit.

Because this is SO not the time for him to die.

Mercury goes direct today...

Finally.

Maybe things will stop being so messed up and start getting better...

 

/; Fuck you, Mercury Retrograde.

Deteriorating.

Oh... Dear God. Please don't let this all be as bad as everybody thinks it is... .. As bad as I'm afraid it is.

...Don't let him die from this.

He's not allowed to die yet. ;/

Ffff...

So... Once upon a time, last thursday, my dad got a surgery on his spine/neck to try to fix him. Then. After the surgery he was completely paralyzed - hopefully, only from swelling..which will go away eventually..right? But it doesn't look good. And it sure is ridiculous that he came out of surgery WORSE than he was before...
So now, he's staying in the hospital for a bit.. while I try to clean his room and make it better for him... But chances are.. he won't be home any time soon. After he gets out of the hospital he's currently in, he'll be taken to an in-patient rehab thingi. And.. maybe rehab will help him learn how to use his body again...

And, this is all too much. Too suddenly.

Hell, we didn't even know when his surgery was going to be until three days before.
And now... out of nowhere, I'm basically on my own, supporting myself... and my boyfriend. Which is kind of worse... Sort of like having a siamese twin. Or a parasite... But let's not think too negatively, now~
Two mouths to feed, yay~ Someone needs to get a jooob~ Hopefully, a good job. College will help that.

So... stuff. And things.
A whole lot of stuff and things.
And I really.... don't like them.
They're overwhelming 
Stupid stuff and things. >>;

 

Today, I got an email from bank of america saying there is unusual activity on my card, so I go and look at the transactions for it and find that there are three $50 charges from earlier today... while I was asleep.. at some.. arcade/game..thing.... /;   I ask Miguel about it, and he says he didn't do it... So I report the charges as fraudulant, and then... my card gets deactivated. ;/  .. And I should be recieving a NEW credit card in 7-10 days.
That was my only credit card...
And I don't really have cash right now..
I'm not getting any money from my dad like I'm used to, so I'm going to have to live off of my paychecks, now..
Which are really tiny.
Tiny paychecks.
Little... tiny.. assholes.
Yay, $200 bi-weekly~
Fuck you, 3 shifts a week.

... I'd totally pick up more shifts if it didn't mean working with the people I can't tolerate being around.
Fff...
Even.. little.. crappy paying job is better than none, right?

 

 

 

...Still. Thinking about everything is just. Overwhelming. I've been repressing so much for a long time, and whenever stuff starts to surface.. it's just. Too much. And I want to rip my hair out and just.. be completely and utterly destructive.
Burning things is good therapy, though. But I can't burn things all the time.

{{listens to happy violent music.}}

It's like. I've been having a four day long anxiety-attack...
I constantly have this pain in my chest, and my heart hurts.
Hell, every thing hurts.
Things are in such a state of transition... and chaos.
I'm sure I've said that before, actually. >>; But it's true.
Yay, change~
I'm really hoping this will be for the better, though.
Or a test.
Or both.
Like.. It's really shitty now, but then.. I learn something from it.. Theeeeen. Things will improve, right? XD
This is one thing I absolutely can not afford to think negatively about.
One's thoughts can shape their world, afterall.

... But that doesn't really change things.
I still feel like I'm going to snap.. and.. bad things.
Maybe the 'lesson' is self control... It's been the one thing I've been working on, and my biggest problem.

{{sigh.}}
Okay. I need to get motivated to do something productive... Maybe clean some more.
Wee. A distraction from the bigger problem~

Every time I get depressed...

I automatically have this really strong urge to just... beat the crap out of myself.

 

I wonder why that is.

You make me wanna die.

I'll never be good enough.
You make me wanna die..

And everything you love,
will burn up in the light...

And every time I look inside your eyes,
you make me wanna die.

 

 

 

...Hah.. ah... today .. fuck. everything. is just... so.. fucked up.
Damn you, Mercury.. retrograding like that. Stop being an asshole and start moving like a normal planet again. All this.. moving backwards, and fucking with everything is really not working for me.

Fuck you, Mercury. Influencing communication, travel, and all that other bullshit. Thanks a lot for having the car brake down, and having Miguel get all mad and blame ME for it today. And.. Miguel got mad at me because his calls didn't get through to my cellphone. So. Fuck you again, Mercury. Thanks for fucking with my shit and making all this happen.

I hope things will stop being like this soon, because... I can't take much more of this.

Today.. has reminded me. Of.. how.. i've always known this would never work.
I remember how I just.. knew.. that I wasn't even meant to be alive this long.
I so.. should.. be dead right now.
I should have killed myself long ago.

But things.. kept happening. To stop it.

But. Now. Things feel like they're nearing the tipping point...

Just one step closer to the edge,
and I'm about to break.

FFfff... fucking. Depression.. and problems... Story of my life. Great.

A certain someone was kind enough to point out that I had issues. And I pointed out that EVERYONE has issues.
/; At least I'm aware of that. I'd like to think that hopefully I'm not fucked up too much more than other people. Pfff.. Might make me feel like a weirdo or something. God forbid.
How dare I not fit in. XD

AND ALSO. I know that I am not a scape goat. I fucking.. hate.. when people blame me for things that ARN'T MY FAULT. Fuck. At least I realize it's not my fault... Quite often, I break down.. and just.. take the blame for everything. But. That's.. really not healthy at all.

There are many more.. legitimate things for me to be worried about... I don't need more crap piled on top of it.
I'm trying so hard to keep it together and get by lately. I don't know what to do. And I don't know how I'm doing the things that I actually AM doing.

Everything is in an extreme state of transition, and I'm afraid of what might be happening. Everything seems to be falling apart.

Aaand.. I'm rambling. But. Whatever. At least I'm not torturing small children or something bad like that. I do, however, want to BURN things. A lot of things. With a lot of fire. /;
But that only makes me feel better for so long...

I should probably talk about something relevant, but.. my thoughts are so scattered.. and I don't really want to think about all the stuff that's going on to actually.. think of translating it into words. .. I hate words. /; I am so terrible at communicating with people. Especially a certain someone. In stressful situations.. or arguements.. I just. Close myself off, but up my shields, get depressed, and not be able to defend myself verbally.
Words. Are frustrating.
But look. Here I am, using them.
Hello, words. You little bastards.
..
...>>;

Yeah. I'm totally not a weirdo. --;

 

I think I'm done here.

/;

supidmtherfucingkeaboard.

why the el arn't youorking, yo peice of sit.

why arn' thee dam utto hinies workin?

look. tisis wht happenswen i type normally.

i should trn this into some sot of seret code...

or somehing. /;

 

Well, there goes typing what I WANTED to type. /;
This is too frustrating. I need a new keyboard... ;/